i hate my life

this is what i get for trusting you...
believing you were a human
you're not.
you're a monster.
never gonna change.
so don't even try.
forget it
i'm done.
you tried
you failed
and if that's your best effort [supposedly]
i don't fucking care anymore.
you're not me ruining my life over
screw you.

you promised

you promised to never become that
monster
you promised to never say those
words
you promised to never desert others
again
you promised to never forget
friends
but you did
and when the sun's left shining, look where you stand.



Having just watched a movie on TnT about a woman living her life, because she was diagnosed with three weeks left to live, I've come to the following conclusion:



"There are the valued things in this world that are completely worthless".


you people hold me up to such high standards
you fail to see me has a person, when i am
and when i fail like everyone else, you fail to see recognize i did

Sometimes I think the problem that many people have is that they learn what love is like from their own families, and TV shows, where they constantly belittle each other and have those 'perfect' relationships. Love isn't the same hormonal love of your teens, of when you 'get the urge' to hook up with someone, because you 'like' them. It's powerful, but it's based on respecting each other and working together for a better future together. It's about supporting each other when times are hard and to celebrate when times are good.

its too late

to apologize.

Is it wrong if nothing's right?

Happy 70th Anniversary to my family's family, family.
Happy 90th Birthday Uncle

So, today i went to the two celebrations listed above, cause it was my uncle's 70th anniversary and his 90th birthday! =] food. LOL and meeting the fam for some time (: it was alright.

SO, in exactly 10 days from now, my brother will leave to college, and I'll be home alone for the whole year. hmmm, peace and quiet, but no more rides, no more pickups, no more 'fast food runs' late at night.


I think the one thing that people just don't understand is that everyone probably goes through the same things in life than everybody else. I'm pretty sure everyone else goes through the same 'drama' that everyone else goes through. But there's one thing that people get wrong. AND thats representation. When people go through 'drama' they believe that the world is coming to an end, that they 'should have listened to their friends' when they had the chance. Well, believe it or not, it even happens to me. IS IT WRONG IF NOTHING"S RIGHT? but everything seems right. key word: 'seems'.

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. So never, ever assume.

chavez (2:10:00 PM): you guys totally kicked out butts yesterday
chavez (2:10:03 PM): like normally (:
"ris" (2:10:26 PM): i know
"ris" (2:10:35 PM): hell yeah LOL JK <333

My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?

It's funny how you think you really know yourself

silly silly me

Happy Birthday Jon Lee! =]
Don Bosco Meet tomorrow! 5 AM (:
oh joy!
LOL

Happy birthday to all those who had birthdays as well!! Kudos to those who went to the Branding Iron game? (:
recognize me? (:
didn't think so! hehe

db

this conversation is over.

I've been changing but you'll never see me now
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more holding it in
How many years can I pretend
Nothing never goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place
Hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more waiting for the end
Of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away
Cause I will be busy watching things going my way
Never looking back on this anymore

it's killing us

or at least me.

those you effect, those you care about, those you hate, those you neglect, those you love, those you ignore, all make up who you are. every single one of them. THEY define who you are, THEY define what values you put forth in your life, and what values mean absolutely nothing to you. You can learn a lot about someone by observing his friends, but you can learn the most about someone by observing his enemies. That is what truly defines a person. Not the people he accepts, but those he ignores. They define who a person is, and who a person will forever be.
some things never change.
who are your friends?

Whats a friend? According to the dictionary, a 'friend' is someone who.. lifts you up in times of need and a person who is in good terms with you. There are more, but these are the most prevalent. we need friends more than ever, yet more and more, the initial truth wears out and we lose friends, because we're busy, but i think it's just an excuse.

Every once in a while, there's someone who you'll come across who says..they're busy. Most of the time that is probably true, with the amount of work and school stuff that's going on, but sometimes that isn't. What does this mean? They just don't want to talk to you? Just another lame excuse: one after the other to get you to go away and stop bothering you. Wouldn't it just be easier to say 'leave me alone?'. probably. then why don't people do that? because they feel BETTER about themselves if they make up excuses, fantasies, that they really want to help, but can't because they're too busy. what lame excuses.

how selfish. only caring how you feel.

too little sleep

im dying, literally. running on an hour of sleep.
class after class after class
then cross country, 8 mile run

problem is..i tried to sleep.
never could
ehh
how i wish i could turn off my mind
and...just forget things.

time for hw
time for this
maybe a post later

its just the way I'm feeling

Two different views,
As words confuse and break
I can't get out,
There's no way out of here,
I can't get clear.
I can't.
Things are changing
It seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life
I got mine
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now?
Lately, I've been trying to fight whatever's pulling me under
it's got a hold and really making me wonder
what it takes to get through...
or how much more I have to try to survive

me

enough about you..
wtf is wrong with me
im so dumb
so stupid
so nice UGH
IM SO ANGRY
yet so quiet
Just tell me who i am and get it over with.
Seriously.
Enough of this randomness, enough of this!
TELL ME WHO I AM!!!!!!
gayyy
anyway, i try so much to make things right, yet they never turn out right for me.
the rest of the world is happy, the rest of the world is content
but everyone always assumes, the one doing the helping is just as content
assume again.








thanks Garrett Wong for making my day (: CHAVEZ CHECK!!! every day in chemistry (: I'm gonna look forward to the day where we go GARRETT CHECK!

running away

Why do I keep running from the truth?

I don't know how obvious this is, how much of this people can see in me, and how much they can't...but I feel like I'm running from something, rather than facing it and just getting it out of the way, getting it over with. You know how things change in life, and you just don't want to face the truth, because you're afraid of what has happened, and you don't want it to change and disappear forever, well, i need to do this. bleh
ahhh, all i do now is sit in my room, listening to music..again, again, again
go listen to all my songs posted up here, myspace.
hopefully they have some meaning

8:26PM

thanks iris...thanks for everything =]
where would I be without you
thanks for listening
thanks for talking
thanks for being the one I look forward to seeing every week
thanks for being the one who comes and finds me when I seem down
thanks for everything
you have no idea how much i really really appreciate it
<3
i wish i could go to school with you
and help you through your drama
and escape mine.

awahgah!^@#^

There's a smile on my face but I don't know why its there
I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care.

waste of my effort

what a completely f*cking day.
f*ck. excuse my language.

never let your emotions get the better of you

never ever ever.
never.


"I worked so hard, to get where I am, tell me why I feel this way?"

ever felt this way? ever wondered what if there was something more to life, than just what everyone goes through at school? Sure. Everyone does academics. Sure, people try sports. Sure, got orchestra? We work so hard, everyday, every minute of our life, at school, but then would I feel like something's missing. something more. What does it really mean to be who we are. Who is Jason F. Chavez. Who is that kid? Is he just another average high school honors student, taking AP classes, sports, orchestra, SAT classes.....how does that make him special. No wonder the government assigned him as a #. Yes, your social security number defines you as a #. In the government's eyes, you're a number. Think about your school ID? You're just another number. Bank account #? Just another number. A number. This number. THAT number...wtf, seriously. But..what if there's something more to this world, something that's just waiting there, waiting to be found, something within grasp, but you don't know what to reach for. Ever felt this way? maybe, maybe not. but then again, maybe.


you say you mean what you say. yet you dont say what you mean, therefore how can i know that you mean what you really mean, and that you say what you truly say you mean.

i can't, i'm sorry.
goodbye lunches. goodbye you.

I always give me hardest, my best, 110% ALWAYS. yet apparently, its not enough. What else can i give? what else can i do? what more do you want from me? cant you see that you're you and I'm me now.
You shall see tomorrow. You shall see. Maybe you'll be glad, maybe you won't. But after the initial feeling wears off, you'll be hit with a train that's been building up so much momentum, it'll never stop. not even if God himself intervened. And by God, I hope you understand.

never thought i'd say this

I never actually thought I would say this, but I really REALLY enjoy this year's freshman, the class of 2012. They are honestly the best group of people I've met, some of the few who actually have real lives, who actually speak wisely, and speak nothing but the truth. And they're loyal and willing to accept others, willing to work at what they truly believe in, willing to make enemies, right there, right then, to those who betray them. Maybe its a bell curve, maybe its something that just changes from year to year, but this is definitely a class. A class, i might add, made of people.

Here's what one of them said during practice @ Suzanne park today as the middle-school students exited from their classes...
"Look at them, those little kids, they have no idea about the world they're about to face. Look at them, aww, two of them holding hands and hugging, look. They know nothing about love, nothing about what love truly means, its just words to them, just to make themselves popular, just to amuse themselves". Ouch. That was, wow, i just stood there, amazed at how they could say such things, but then I thought about it, whats a relationship to some, whats a relationship to others, there's no set standard, its all open to interpretation...

whats a true relationship. being in one myself, I really can't answer that question. But I know that the distance is something that she and I both need, the distance to keep us apart until we meet again, its something we've both come to love and enjoy. I think the distance is what keeps us alive, like people, not facing those problems that others face, not facing the pain, the tears like everyone else. Away from each other, we miss each other, we talk, but I guess, we're much too busy to dwell on things that really don't matter in life. And yes, you'll ask..why get together if each other don't matter in life..here's the answer: "If things were meant to be, we shouldn't have to argue, we shouldn't have to fight, we shouldn't doubt our words, and so far we haven't. Life's too beautiful to waste, but a relationship between a guy/girl, isn't the world, in fact its not even part of the world. Friends are forever and therefore come first." I guess that's why we don't argue. We understand friends come first in our lives, and we schedule ourselves around each other's friends.

We've discussed the future, we know whats gonna happen after graduation, and well, it just happens. There's nothing you can do about it, friends will separate, friends will go different ways, and we shall part, going to two different schools with two different majors. That's something I'm sure of. But we try to enjoy life and make the best of it while we can.

But even if we don't go to the same college, we know that we'll always be
friends forever.

IM SORRY IM SO NICE

ITS NOT MY FREAKIN FAULT..i cant change who i am, can you? can you change who you are, the personality that has made you up for your entire life, can you change the one who can't be changed...IM SORRY IM THE WAY I AM...what can I do about it...

you tell me that i need to change, that i need to do this, well i got news for you buddy, its not me, its the world. Not only is there something wrong with me, but there's something wrong with his world. I dont ask for anything, any reflection time I get for my own thoughts are squeezed in with my homework time, with my walking time, with my cross country practices, when i can think about anything while running, but seriously, I cant change who I am. Im nice, get over it. And the world never takes down an opportunity to take advantage of someone like this. DO i complain? no. DO i mind? yes, but does my opinion matter...sadly no. And if they choose to ROADKILL me, so be it, I can't define the priorities of people, the priorities of who matters more to them, who to put first in their life. At least i meet some people in life who, actually don't take advantage of me, who actually take my kindness and tell me to save it for someone who really needs it, someone other than them. i thank the world for them. thank you lanny&kevinlu. at least two true souls in this world.

There's something wrong with this world. OH, and don't get me wrong, its not just this world, its us, as a people also. Let's start with us. We're people, yes, but we're not people. Lifeless. Cruel. And this world. It's so wrong in so many ways, for absorbing people into this academic mania, when it means nothing.

The world makes it seem like its everything, when it's not. and how many of us actually realize that. few.

off, again

whats off today..whats wrong with me
blahh i've just been so off today, soo different, so not me.
It's like i have no idea what I'm doing here, no idea what my purpose is, and it just leaves me feeling so empty, like I'm going in endless circles doing nothing, wastingmy life away, going around and around in circles again and again. i need inspiration, too bad no one's around to give it to me. This year especially has been hard on me. An overload of classes, an overload of sports, and watching my previous best friend leave me, right when I needed him, that hurts....

i worked so hard to achieve some things, and sometimes i wonder if my working so hard was the ultimate undoing of this..but it doesn't matter any longer...and all around me, i hear people saying they're busy with 'life'. what is life. life isnt school, it isn't academics, if you call that life, there's something strange going on with you, and no, its not me. I understand that people are busy, i just miss talking to someone, even though i rarely have time...but its the thought that counts.

everytime i take one step forward and i think i'm actually getting a grip, i get slammed with a brick on my face which forces me to stumble three steps back.



but on a lighter note, Congratulations to the Walnut Cross Country 2008-2009 Varisty Team!
State-CIF title, here we come.